Skin deep

My days had been hidden in this cloud of being surface.

Our conversation revolved around materialistic goods. Sunglasses,
cars, headphones, phones, bikes, party, alcohol, games and girls. All
baseless friendship and very surface conversation.
I was hidden in this cloud of materialistic place and I didn't realise
I was slowly absorb into that baseless world. Everyone chatting in
this place of emptiness, this room is extremely noisy but at the end
of today, tonight ended just like the start of today.

I realised all of these in a nick of a moment when she cried
yesterday, I forgot who I once was, I forgot what it means to be
myself, not to change for people around me and not to be afraid to
show this side of me.

Edging out.

When you know the world like I do, it's a shame.

Party, drink, smoke, arrowing tasks, pushing responsibilities and trampling on the powerless.
Life's not as simple as if I put in the effort, I'll be credited for what I do. It comes to a point of who's the smartest and who has the best ability to take shortcuts? Probably it's how I'm looking at things now or may be it's just the way people around me are behaving. I prefer to be simple, just a simple person and oblivion to negative comments or gossip sessions. You can keep all the money and privileges, this is not me when I'm doing those things. =/

HAPPY 2011!!
2010 is almost all about marching, respect, regimentation and of course the big D - discipline. Crap, I'm totally brainwashed. Anyhow, I'm constantly reminded that I've good friends around me who have been rooting me and also met many many new friends - many of similar backgrounds, interest and no doubt .. gender.


Finally, deary diary, we have entered the era of 2011. This year is going to be smashing cause its my coming of 21st. Yes, this is also the year I would be granted wings, finally after an extremely long wait. Resolution for this year would be doing good deeds. Use my heart to think much more than my head. Keep myself simple, out of drinking and smoking. Love myself more =).

The thing about working and growing up

You start making friends for the sake of needing to foster closer relationship in order to perform a certain task.

You accept gifts and treats knowing fairly well that they will be asking you for a favor, or needing help from you in the future.

Realizing that there are objectives behind every actions of those around you. Everything comes with a rationale and reasons.

You start to see the selfish side of everyone else.

I miss my childhood life.

what have i done to deserve this?

What have I done to be in such a bad light.
What have I done to deserve losing my soul supporter and dream girl to
a good friend.
What have I done to be called untrustworthy by a really close friend.
Why am I called a narcissist?
Why does he say I make my friend's blood boil?
Why does my closest friends say they are wasting time with me?
Why does he say that I am insensitive?
Why am I always celebrating victory alone?
What have I done to deserve dad being like that?
Why is everyone leaving?
When are friends when you need them most, or they are here only for
the good times?
Why am I accused of being selfish when I was trying to help?
Why am I so jealous of other families.

May be the kindest people always get bullied. May be the evil people
always get what they want. May be Liars always get the girls and
money. May be the truth was never desired. May be people rather lived
in denial.

All I ever wanted in life was to fly and make people's life better and
obviously I made them worst.

What's the point of my existence? To the world, what's the point of my
existence?

What have I done...

It's because you were a close friend that I became so open about it and I was just trying to help. I recognised probably I wasn't helping at all, not once was I positive in the team. From the very beginning till now. We probably was just a college team, nothing more than that...

"it's just that you were never very trustworthy

i only dont tell you things

because you are the absolute worse person to trust

great now go touch your heart and reflect upon that word "sarcasm"

if i ever trust you again, damn me i'll be a fool.

now for a fact, i know you are a narcissist.

ho ho then today is a day you achieve epiphany

because you have no idea what you've done

secondly you have absolutely no idea what kind of a person you are

you don't think before you act

and you cant even read people well

absolutely no emotional quotient whatsoever

dude, i don't think i'm going to waste any more of my time on you

i have better things to do

take care and i wish you the best of luck with your friends

you dont know how much you make their blood boil

well you made it worse with all your assumptions, it's a pity up till now you have no idea

for the record, you were a great friend

ask the canoeists, they'll give you your answer

nothing happened but it isn't the first time you've posted her name on facebook

in the past _ was more than enough

typing out her full name, seriously dude, last straw

you're too insensitive to even understand anything

what in the world

it wasnt the first time alvin quek

and dude you have no idea what i feel

seriously alvin, fuck you and stop being a pathetic piece of shit"

What's next?

You may think achieving a dream may well be rewarding, but when all
your dreams just falls into place in an instant, you are caught in a
dilemma of a virtual standstill asking yourself.. "What's next?".
I dated my dream girl, I got my ambition of becoming a pilot and a
course I wanted the uni. So here I am, asking myself.. What's next for
my life.

Staring at the stars gave me no answers and looking back gave
me no clue about my future ahead. I could only live each day as if
they were brand new.
I know I always want someone to spread love and lost my heart to, but
there's currently no avenue or if not WRONG avenue for me to find one,
this will go on for the next 5 years where I'm trapped in service.

Guess I'll have to cope it myself and learnt more to be independent.
Love can wait :), although I frequently longed to belonged to someone.
And I'll still continue to indulge in this "what's next" question so
if someone could enlighten me :).

and pushed us to our limits

Everything that have happened in these few months is Just A Dream.

What keeps me coming back here?

There are tiny moments in life when you just can't seem to comprehend how things happened the way they did. You feel lost and out of resentment, you go around searching aimlessly for a solution.

I rested my thoughts here for almost 7 years and it's time to move.

Cya!

http://letters4me.tumblr.com/

Crap.

Give me an alternative solution to understanding a person. I'm confused.

Although we start out with good intentions but it turns nasty if you weren't providing with the right amount, at the right moment and in the right style.

It's like us experiencing haze, it looks like it but it is never what it was. Couldn't see the far horizons but could only work on your current path, walking towards your destination.

Like catholic faith, where you never get to see god but only heard about them.

I really don't know you at all. I don't understand your actions, your hints or any of your thoughts.

Wind! Please clear my fog.

8 days of escape.


It was an abrupt decision when my Mum suddenly told me to pack up and head to Taiwan! Shortly after 2 days, I found my foot off the grounds again and take flight all the way to Taiwan. 8 days with my mummy was an outstanding achievement for me, cause for the past days, the longest consecutive days I've been home was only 2. So then, "finally we managed to catch up". That's how she put it, although I booked out everyday and still manage to send a smile each day.
To the women who loves me most in this whole wide world.

This will be probably be the only 8 days straight period that I'll be spending with you in a long while. The commitment in life is getting greater and so much I must aspire to survive successfully as an adult.

To my dearest mum, these may be the last 8 days we'll be able to spend together like that. The laughter, joy, jokes, gossip, food or shopping, I'll treasure them most.

I love you. I would want to give both dad and you the most in your elderly age, happy times and joyful moments. So I'm going to work my best for these 2 years, get my financial stability and I promise to visit this week once again. =).

Of a special friend

During my trip, i encountered this very special friend. 4 years ago, we met in Hong Kong during an exchange trip. She was my host and I was her guest. What made her such a special friend was because we had a surprising amount of things in common, eventhough we lived so far apart. Our growing up years seemed to be simingly taunted and broken in terms of our academics. She stayed back a year and so did I, bla bla bla..

That was when we started a series of letters, each made up of stories to motivate each another. Small though they may be but it made a difference in me. Although I can bleakly remember what was written in them. Haha.
We both loved outdoor, sports such as basketball, music such as hilllsongs, movies such as inception, interest such as backpacking around the world, ambitions such as helping the poverted in 3rd world countries or believes such as christianity. Practically, we shared the first half our lives encountering similiar things (close to similiar may be?)

"Distance actually doesnt mean anything, it's you that really matters".

When I entered the army, I always questioned myself about my love life. At nights, I lay on my bed thinking about my years ahead when I signed on. "When will I finally meet one?", "is it alright if I only have one girl in my entire life?". Especially when the exposure to girls i extremely limited in the force. Got a little desperate sometimes which made me a little flirty with girls. Frankly, all guys in service are some what like that too, but probably differs in degree of it. Girls! Grab your army guys, they'll willingly submit submissively. Haha.

She made me realise the importance of being myself and that love couldn't be rushed. Love should be pure and simple, made up of pure and unconditional affection for one another. Not those tactics on I how to get a girl interested in you that I've been learning from my coursemates.

She is a single up till now and not been to a single date, mainly because she's been actively engaged with her studies and helping at the NGOs. So why get attached to romance at such an age? To me, love is sometimes boring and such a drag. Live your life to the fullest now, meet more friends, climb the unclimbed peaks, break the world records and go all around the world to see the horizons. =). I'm more interested in that.

Love will drop by one day, god had everything well plan for. He has the perfect plan, one that is unexpectable and impossible to comprehend but one that will be perfect. Not the perfect woman, but the perfect girl just for me.

Be it having only 1 girlfriend or none in my entire life, I know god has his best plans lined up for me :).

Thank you fiona =).

Until our next meet up again!

"There is no such thing as an ex-fighter pilot.
Once a young man straps on a jet aircraft and climbs into the heavens to do battle,

it sears his psyche forever.

At some point he will hang up his flight suit - eventually they all do -

and in the autumn of his years his eyes may dim and he may be stooped with age.

But ask him about his life and his eyes flash and his back straightens and his hands demonstrate aerial maneuvers and every conversation begins with

"There I was at ... "

and he is young again as he remembers his glory days.

He remembers the days when he sky-danced through the heavens,

when he could press a button and summon the lightning and invoke the thunder,

the days when he was a prince of the earth and a lord of the heavens.

He remembers his glory days and he is young again."

From Boyd by Robert Coram